When Life Gives You Collard Greens...

Just add bacon! or at least that's what The Google Machine told me, and the almighty Mark Bittman, and that wonderful convicted felon Martha Stewart, and the old faithful Joy of Cooking. Apparently, Collard Greens are so horrific and awful that the only way to consume them is sauteed with enough bacon to drown out the flavor. 

Now I disagree. I like Collard Greens. Whole Foods makes an excellent ready-to-eat Collard Green "side" that I used to eat a big pint of for lunch when I found myself with one of those "never ending" days of school where I never left campus for longer than 15 minutes from 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. Granted, it had bacon in it, but bacon was the supporting actor in the dish and those wonderful bitter greens defiantly took the lead.

However, the one time I brought home that delicious mix of Collards, vinegar, crushed hot pepper and bacon to The Husband (while he was still The Boyfriend) his reaction was lacking the pleasure I found in the dish. I think he probably thought I was trying to poison him.

So when the Collard Greens showed up in The Box this week, I was excited to try and find a non-traditional recipe that did them justice while The Husband, on the other hand wanted to drown it with bacon fat and call it a day. 

Fortunately (after about 7 pages of search results in) I found THIS recipe which met the happy compromise of being different from the Collard Green consensus, but still had bacon. Pleased with my discovery, I set about prepping and modifying the recipe to fit my needs. 

First I stemmed, washed and prepped the Collards, taking advantage of the newly acquired salad spinner.

Then I cleaned the Mushrooms. I choose Shiitakes because it's fun to say and because the recipe was non-specific enough for me to feel like getting a little fancy. 

The first modification to the recipe occurred after the Shiitakes were cleaned. The recipe calls for "sliced Mushrooms." neither The Husband nor I are big fans of mushrooms. It's not really the taste of mushrooms that we mind, it's the idea of biting into one. I had seen on "America's Test Kitchen" once long ago when they were adding mushrooms to a dish for the flavor but not the visual, they  ground them in the food processor. I thought that would work here so I sent the mushrooms for a spin in Tyler with the five cloves of garlic. 

To that I added the Thyme, Fennel and Crushed Red Pepper. Now weirdly the recipe called for a full teaspoon of Crushed Red Pepper. In my mind this had to be a mistake. With that much Red Pepper in the dish there is no way any of the other flavors could compete, so I (wisely) cut the amount in half.

The next step was to render some yummy bacon flavor. I used whole slab bacon. Although, next time, I think thick cut would work out just fine. Cutting the bacon slab into appropriate size chunks was kind of annoying.

Once it was thoroughly rendered I removed the bacon chunks from the pan and added the garlic, mushroom, and spice mixture to the pan for a few minutes before adding the onions to melt down. It was also at this point that The Husband came home so I was able to provide you with some "action shots." Placing the camera in his hands also had the added benefit of keeping him from eating the crunchy bacon bits I hoped would make it back into the dish.

Once everything had cooked down, I added the bacon that had been saved from hungry mouths and majestically poured in the Collards.

I let them melt down in the pan, covered, until they looked like this:

Then I added the Penne - Check out the ghost pasta and spider. (The Husband was feeling artsy)

The End Result with a little Parmesan and unnecessary bowl of lemons, limes and tomatoes in the background (this time it was me feeling artsy): 

THE VERDICT:

I found this dish to be OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.  The grinding of the mushrooms worked out perfectly - we got exactly the hint of mushroom I wanted without the weird rubbery texture of them. The Husband found it to be "acceptable" which is a success on its own considering his negative prior experience with Collards. The only problem with the dish, still too SPICY!?!?!?! Could you imagine what the dish would have been like with a FULL teaspoon of crushed red pepper? Inedible, and I would never be able to get him to look at Collards again. 

I found the level of spice to be satisfactory, so if you re-create the dish, make sure to keep your tastes in mind. Either way Collard this successful (Har Har Har).

The Recipe:
Recipe credit goes to Adam Zolkover at Twice-Cooked.com with his recipe for Pasta with Collard Greens. The modified recipe is as follows:

Serves 2-3

• 1/2 lb Penne 
• 1/2 lb Bacon, diced
• 1 Bunches of Collards, stemmed and chopped
• 2 Medium Onions, sliced
• 1 quart Shiitake Mushrooms (cleaned with stems removed)
• 5 Cloves of Garlic
• 1 tsp Dried Oregano
• 1/2 tsp Crushed Red Pepper (use less if you are more like The Husband than Me)
• 1/2 tsp Dried Thyme
• 1/2 tsp Fennel Seeds
• Parmesan Cheese
• Pepper
• Salt

1. Fill an 8-quart pot with water, add ample salt, and set it on the stove to boil. 
2. In a food processor pulse the mushroom caps and the garlic cloves to a nice mince. To this mixture stir in the Thyme, Fennel Seeds and Crushed Red Pepper.
3. To a sauté pan over medium heat low, add the diced bacon and allow to cook, stirring occasionally, until almost crispy. Then remove the bacon with a slotted spoon. To the leftover grease, add the mushroom mixture, along with a little bit of salt and cook for about 2-3 minutes. Then add the onions, along with a little bit more salt, and cook for about 20 minutes, until the onions have mostly softened.
4. To the saute pan, add the dried oregano, pepper to taste and the cooked bacon. Cook 2-3 minutes, stirring constantly to allow the oregano to warm up. Then, add the chopped collard greens to the pan, closing the lid.  Stir occasionally for about 10 minutes. At this point your water should be boiling, so add the pasta. 
5.  When the pasta is al dente and the greens are cooked, add the pasta to the pan and mix thoroughly  for about 3-5 more minutes.  Add the Parmesan cheese and a bit more salt and pepper. Serve while hot.